a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
