How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
