My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
