I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
