Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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