somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
