dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
