I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
