Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
