I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
