fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
time to smoke my breakfast
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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