I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
