Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
