omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
