yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
