It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
