Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
