hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
