She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
