they need to just BURY HIM!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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