...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
