I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
