I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How naked do you want me to be?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
