I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
