Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
