I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
