Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
