she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
