My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
