The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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