Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
