Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
