It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
