You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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