If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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