No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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