We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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