New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
