I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize