The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
