I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
