Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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