franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
