This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
