Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
