If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
