Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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