The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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