So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
