The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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