I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
