moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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