i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
