I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
