Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
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Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
