Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
