The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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