my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
