he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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