mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
