O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
