I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
