How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
