did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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